Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
