I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
