Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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