I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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