Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
