just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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