Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
