Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
