I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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