Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
