we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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