Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
