i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
ttyl tear gas
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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