we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
