i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
