Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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