I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i drank out of a bidet.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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