i don't like sucking hair
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
