I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
