He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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