what if every blade of grass was a penis?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
