My room smells like vodka and shame
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
