fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
