4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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