On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
