I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Houston, we have a blender
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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