My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
