Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize