first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
