she woke up with a sticky ear
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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