And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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