My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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