so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
