I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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