Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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