My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize