I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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