the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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