They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
