At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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