he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
