He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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