If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
