Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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