Church boner. Awkwardddd
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
