Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
