made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Randomize