My liver just broke up with me...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
