Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
