If that was your dad, he is hot
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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