Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
