I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
