Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
