Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
