like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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