I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Randomize
