I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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