Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
