This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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