I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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