Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
