Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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