im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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