you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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