Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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