i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
