just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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