i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We have started to decorate penises.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
