if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
