we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize